Shirley Shelby’s Schnauzer

by Jerry DavisandMary Lou Moran

CHARACTERS:
SERGEANT THURSDAY: A veteran police officer
SHIRLEY SHELBY: The victim, a housewife and dog lover

TIME: The Present

SCENE: The front door of the Shelby home

THURSDAY: (to audience) This is the city—a whole bunch of people who usually behave badly, but not in a criminal manner. Today, one crossed the line into crime. They called me. My name’s Thursday. Sergeant Thursday. I'm a cop. Captain Sunday came into my office on Tuesday and said, “Thursday, we got a call on Monday from a Shirley Shelby to report the suspicion of a robbery on Saturday.” I went directly to the complainant’s home. A woman answered the door.

(Shirley Shelby enters)

THURSDAY: Good afternoon, Ma’am, I’m Sergeant Thursday.

SHIRLEY: You certainly don’t seem to be a sergeant. Are you really a Sergeant?

THURSDAY: I’ll show my shield.

SHIRLEY: Sure seems to be satisfactory.

THURSDAY: What’s your name?

SHIRLEY: I’m Shirley Shelby, that’s me.

THURSDAY: And do you live here at this location?

SHIRLEY: Assuredly so. I settled at sixty-six Circus Circle some seventeen years ago.

THURSDAY: Yes, Ma’am, I see. And what seems to be the problem after seventeen years at sixty-six Circus Circle on such a sunny day?

SHIRLEY: Someone swiped my Schnauzer.

THURSDAY: Someone swiped your Schnauzer?

SHIRLEY: Surely. Someone swiped my Schnauzer.

THURSDAY: When did you see your Schnauzer had been swiped?

SHIRLEY: I saw my Schnauzer Saturday.

THURSDAY: You haven’t seen your Schnauzer since Saturday?

SHIRLEY: Since six Saturday.

THURSDAY: Uh-huh. What’s your Schnauzer’s name?

SHIRLEY: Sir Sagramore Snappy Schnauzer.

THURSDAY: I see.

SHIRLEY: That’s his pedigree name. That’s not what we call him.

THURSDAY: What do you call him?

SHIRLEY: Saggy.

THURSDAY: Saggy?

SHIRLEY: Saggy.

THURSDAY: Is he?

SHIRLEY: Is he what?

THURSDAY: Saggy.

SHIRLEY: Somewhat.

THURSDAY: Does he like the name Saggy?

SHIRLEY: Surely.

THURSDAY: So, do you have any sense about who might have swiped Saggy?

SHIRLEY: I have suspicions.

THURSDAY: I see.

SHIRLEY: There’s this saleswoman who used to come by and visit him when she lived down the block. She petted him a lot.

THURSDAY: And what’s this saleswoman’s name?

SHIRLEY: Charlene Shipley.

THURSDAY: And does Charlene Shipley still live here on Circus Circle?

SHIRLEY: No, she slipped away six months ago.

THURSDAY: Uh-huh. And do you know where she lives now?

SHIRLEY: I think she lives over on Chartreuse Street. Seventeen, I think it is.

THURSDAY: Charlene Shipley from Seventeen Chartreuse Street.

SHIRLEY: Certainly.

THURSDAY: Has she been circling this circle suspiciously?

SHIRLEY: I’m not certain. I think I saw her automobile in the neighborhood.

THURSDAY: I see. What kind of car does she drive?

SHIRLEY: A silver Chevy sedan.

THURSDAY: Are you sure Charlene Shipley from seventeen Chartreuse Street has a silver Chevy sedan to drive around Circus Circle?

SHIRLEY: Certainly.

THURSDAY: What makes you think Charlene Shipley swipes Schnauzers?

SHIRLEY: She already has two dogs, I don’t know where she got them.

THURSDAY: Are both her dogs Schnauzers?

SHIRLEY: No, she has one Shih Tzu and one Shar Pei.

THURSDAY: So you think she wants to add a Schnauzer to her Shih Tzu and Shar Pei?

SHIRLEY: Sure. She’s sneaky.

THURSDAY: So, did you actually see Charlene Shipley with her Shih Tzu and Shar Pei from seventeen Chartreuse Street circling sixty-six Circus Circle in her silver Chevy sedan?

SHIRLEY: I thought so. There might have been a Shetland Sheepdog, too.

THURSDAY: Just the facts, Ma’am. Where do you think Charlene Shipley took Saggy Schnauzer in her silver Chevy sedan?

SHIRLEY: I think she goes to a summer spa in Silver City in her silver Chevy sedan.

THURSDAY: So, you think Charlene Shipley took Saggy Schnauzer with her Shih Tzu and Shar Pei and maybe a Shetland Sheepdog from seventeen Chartreuse Street to a summer spa in Silver City in her silver Chevy sedan?

SHIRLEY: Surely. And you know what?

THURSDAY: What’s that?

SHIRLEY: If Charlene Shipley took Saggy Schnauzer with her Shih Tzu and Shar Pei and maybe a Shetland Sheepdog from seventeen Chartreuse Street to a summer spa in Silver City in her silver Chevy sedan. . .

THURSDAY: Yes?

SHIRLEY: I’ll slap her silly!

NOTE: This short play for Readers’ Theater originally appeared in Skits and Plays for Clubs and Organizations, Collection #1, published by UpStageLeft Press.

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